Focusing Forward

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About this time five years ago, I started a blog. It wasn’t meant for the public, however some posts were not hidden. I went through some major life changes and that blog captured snapshots of what I was thinking, reading, and doing. I am not a very consistent writer, but I do generally (eventually) get back to it. I genuinely enjoy being able to go back and read what I’ve written, what I was experiencing at that point, what I was pondering. That blog captured some very painful and sensitive moments, memories that even yesterday I wasn’t able to read out-loud to my partner because I started crying. But the one thing that I realized as I went back over a few years of scattered, random blog posts is that I was focusing forward. Like a “this sucks, but I am going to do x,y,z and tackle it”.

Reading those old posts made me proud of myself for being the person that I am. I don’t think I was realizing what I was doing while I was doing it. I think honestly I was in a survival mode: “I have to do this for myself, my sanity, and so I can put food on my table and pay my rent.” It wasn’t easy. There were definitely days I wanted to hide under my covers and not have to show my face at work that day, wanting to dwell on the past, drink hot chocolate, and binge-watch Netflix. There were days where I second-guessed my job choices, my friend choices, or whether I really should have spent those precious $4 on a Starbucks coffee.

But now looking back, focusing forward is what got me through those times. I was telling myself “Next time I’ll do it this way”, “Now I know…”, or “I have (event) coming up next week”.  It’s fine to make the next hurdle you are facing the one you put your heart and soul into, as it’s a stepping point to where you need to eventually go. Yes, my blog talked about the boyfriends I should never have dated, and the company I should have left two years sooner, but all of it got me to where I am now, and that’s good. All the positives and negatives came together as learning experiences. I’m proud of the forward looking, forward focusing “me” that I was 5 years ago that has ended up making me the person I am now. My take-away is as follows:

Sometimes you will need to weave a little bit on the forest path to come out to the waterfall, or spring, vast panorama, or sometimes just the simple unique forest flower that is just a little bit further down the trail. It’s okay, just keep focusing forward.

Photo credit: Me. 🙂 Taken in Makawao Forest Reserve, Maui, Hawaii on October 5, 2014.

Passionate work

I’ve felt that I’ve been at a crossroads with regards to my employment for at least the last two years. Now I’m a millennialist, I have my bachelor’s degree, and I’ve had a full-time job for 5+ years, at my current job for over 3. But I haven’t gotten anywhere, despite all my efforts. There’s been little “awards” and “achievements” along the way, just enough so I have kept on slogging it out, day in and day out, in the hopes that “one day” I will be seen good enough to be promoted.

However, I’m not happy with that, I’m not a person that likes mediocrity and complacency, and to just “put up” with what I have to do to get through another day, another week, another year at a job that is supposed to be allowing me to challenge me, fulfill me, and require all my passionate energies. I have no idea what I want to be doing, well, I have hunches. I’m a talented, well-liked, intelligent individual with a passion to always be learning and a desire to help people. But what do I want to learn? How do I want to help people? That I don’t know. I’ve been watching quite a few Ted.com videos… they challenge me, inspire me. I am going to make a change. Don’t know what, where, or how. But I want to do it.

From different sources, I keep hearing the same mantra: Find passionate people, learn and ask questions, and find out what makes you “buzzed”. Part of this blog is that I hope it helps me discover who I am, what I can do, and where my passions are. I haven’t really explored that, and I am excited to get started. So – my very few readers that I have, follow along, help me, critique me – but I don’t want to settle for mediocrity. I want to find a job I can feel passionate about. A place where I am excited to go to work every day, my coworkers are excited about their work and the opportunities it provides, and that supports me living the life I want to experience outside of the workplace.