About this time five years ago, I started a blog. It wasn’t meant for the public, however some posts were not hidden. I went through some major life changes and that blog captured snapshots of what I was thinking, reading, and doing. I am not a very consistent writer, but I do generally (eventually) get back to it. I genuinely enjoy being able to go back and read what I’ve written, what I was experiencing at that point, what I was pondering. That blog captured some very painful and sensitive moments, memories that even yesterday I wasn’t able to read out-loud to my partner because I started crying. But the one thing that I realized as I went back over a few years of scattered, random blog posts is that I was focusing forward. Like a “this sucks, but I am going to do x,y,z and tackle it”.
Reading those old posts made me proud of myself for being the person that I am. I don’t think I was realizing what I was doing while I was doing it. I think honestly I was in a survival mode: “I have to do this for myself, my sanity, and so I can put food on my table and pay my rent.” It wasn’t easy. There were definitely days I wanted to hide under my covers and not have to show my face at work that day, wanting to dwell on the past, drink hot chocolate, and binge-watch Netflix. There were days where I second-guessed my job choices, my friend choices, or whether I really should have spent those precious $4 on a Starbucks coffee.
But now looking back, focusing forward is what got me through those times. I was telling myself “Next time I’ll do it this way”, “Now I know…”, or “I have (event) coming up next week”. It’s fine to make the next hurdle you are facing the one you put your heart and soul into, as it’s a stepping point to where you need to eventually go. Yes, my blog talked about the boyfriends I should never have dated, and the company I should have left two years sooner, but all of it got me to where I am now, and that’s good. All the positives and negatives came together as learning experiences. I’m proud of the forward looking, forward focusing “me” that I was 5 years ago that has ended up making me the person I am now. My take-away is as follows:
Sometimes you will need to weave a little bit on the forest path to come out to the waterfall, or spring, vast panorama, or sometimes just the simple unique forest flower that is just a little bit further down the trail. It’s okay, just keep focusing forward.
Photo credit: Me. 🙂 Taken in Makawao Forest Reserve, Maui, Hawaii on October 5, 2014.